There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
