Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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