Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
