I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Vodka?
Forever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
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