All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
