Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
only you would photoshop your dick
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
