My balls are so social today.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
