i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
