You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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