i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
