was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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