If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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