I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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