great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
