I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
