"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
