Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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