Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
