My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
