I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
