I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
