yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
how does that bad decision feel?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
