hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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