I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
