How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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