I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Everyone says I win the strip club
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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