youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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