She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
