A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
