I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
