you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
