I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
