bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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