I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
