I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
