and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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