Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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