At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
