No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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