Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
