Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
