I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize