clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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