In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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