I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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