Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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