anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
