i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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