yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
