I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
