Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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