Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
