I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
