well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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