Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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