My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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