The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
