My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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