I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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