True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize