So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
