I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I intend to get homeless drunk
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He did a backflip because drugs
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
