i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
