She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize