In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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