Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
