Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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